Fear is the bind that tied me... I didn’t know how to really deal with it myself but I just knew how I felt. I have been alone and kept myself that way out of fear of once again looking into the eyes of someone that I loved and then realizing that those eyes didn’t love me back... I have what seems to be a curse in my ability to love and care to the deepest levels. I have always had no fear in caring and taking on pain of others as a show of my loyalty and affection. But time and time again my small world has been flattened because I believed in hearts that didn’t want to be believed in… but just wanted to have their egos stroked or to simply fulfill a quick fantasy with my body. I found myself always having to start over and try again until I finally said no more and closed up shop on expecting love, friendship, or motivation from people. I began to accept life as it was and not how it could be if we would just try...
I was so afraid of being hurt again that I sought the relationships that I knew had a predictable beginning and end so that I could be prepared for the disappointment and manage the collateral damage inflicted on my heart. I became the “guy on the side” because I felt like having a love of my own just wasn't a possibility for me... I thought that someone telling me they loved me in addition to their “everyday mate” was better than nothing at all... Even if it meant staying up at night wondering if they were saying the exact same thing to the person they laid next to every night... I would be with them and have to stay quiet when the phone rang because their "real man" was calling and they had to answer in order to keep confusion down... In my twisted mind I thought that was me being strong... but after enough time passed I began to realize that all I was doing was burying my own soul and hiding my inner light and turned dark. Upon realizing this I just went into seclusion and would rather die as a lonely old man than go through this one more time... I had an expectation of pain and disappointment in everyone that met and acted as such... I tried to blame it on today’s culture and lost my true self for a while... I would get approached by all these women and I knew they just wanted to have an "experience" with me then go back home to their real lives... I was disgusted with myself and them so I turned to ice...
Then you will come...
I can’t explain the feeling I’ll feel when I can hear your voice and the music of your vocal cords play in my heart for hours on end. The genuine interest that you have in my existence and the concern you show for my simplest needs of hearing an “I love you” to having no fear of representing me in the public eye has rekindled that dim light inside of me and created a super nova and you don't even know it... you will just be being you. You’ll bring down years of pain built walls in a matter of minutes it seems. I have yet to meet you but I can feel you... I will always owe you for the mere thought of your existence has changed my life. I have once again returned to pure gold and can bless the world with my shine…
Then you will come...
I can’t explain the feeling I’ll feel when I can hear your voice and the music of your vocal cords play in my heart for hours on end. The genuine interest that you have in my existence and the concern you show for my simplest needs of hearing an “I love you” to having no fear of representing me in the public eye has rekindled that dim light inside of me and created a super nova and you don't even know it... you will just be being you. You’ll bring down years of pain built walls in a matter of minutes it seems. I have yet to meet you but I can feel you... I will always owe you for the mere thought of your existence has changed my life. I have once again returned to pure gold and can bless the world with my shine…
Thank you my nameless...
